The Salvation Army Florida

This past Thanksgiving was our family’s fifth without my mother-in-law, ninth without two sisters and a brother, and sixteenth without my grandmother. We felt the ache, mourned the loss, and wished with all our hearts they were still with us.

The holidays are coming and with it a slew of family gatherings. Unless you’ve been unusually fortunate, you’ll have an empty chair or two at your dining room table. It’s unrealistic to think you won’t miss your loved ones, but holidays are for celebrating, not for grieving. As you prepare for the holidays without your precious loved ones, here are a few ways you can honor them.

1. Do something your loved one would approve of.

My grandmother loved to dig in the dirt and make things grow. Wherever she lived, she always planted dianthus. I remember visiting her shortly after she moved to an independent living facility. She no longer had a place to garden, but as I walked into her new building, I saw evidence of her green thumb. She’d tucked a tiny patch of dianthus into a square of dirt near her doorway. To honor her, I planted dianthus in my flowerbed. Every time it bloomed, it reminded me of her.

One friend and his family are faced their first Christmas without their father/grandfather. Knowing that his dad loved Italy, my friend took his family on a once-in-a-lifetime trip to Rome in his honor.

Your memorial activity will probably be less extravagant, but it can be equally memorable. One friend honors her daughter’s memory every season by watching her favorite Christmas movie, the Patrick Stewart version of “A Christmas Carol.” Another friend and her family meet at Waffle House at midnight on Christmas Eve to continue a long-standing tradition their late father began.

2. Include your loved one’s favorite food in your holiday meal.

My mother-in-law and I shared a love for lemon crème pie. She’d often tell the story of how she and a friend of hers liked it so much that they’d buy a pie, draw a line down the middle, and eat every bit of it. My mother-in-law liked her pies extra tart, and if I made the recipe just right, she’d nod her approval. “Mmm,” she’d say, “that’ll lock yer jaws.”

Lemon crème pie was one of the last foods I fed her before she passed away. Confined to a hospital bed and pumped full of medicine, she hadn’t eaten much in days. We wracked our brains trying to think of foods that might stimulate her appetite. My brother-in-law brought her a hot dog from her favorite greasy spoon. I brought a bowl of juicy watermelon. The day I brought her a slice of lemon crème pie, however, was a day to remember.

“Good?” I asked as I spooned bites into her eager mouth.

“Mmm,” she said, nodding her approval. “That’ll lock yer jaws.”

I ate a piece of lemon crème pie at Thanksgiving in her honor. It wasn’t quite tart enough, but I think she’d still approve.

Like eating my mother-in-law’s lemon pie, “sharing” our loved one’s favorite foods helps us feel connected with them. This Christmas we’ll eat sweet potato casserole to honor my sister Cindy and deep-fried turkey in my brother-in-law Luther’s name. And with every bite of lemon pie, I’ll feel my mother-in-law’s smile.

3. Talk about your loved one, shed a few tears, but don’t let grief steal the joy from your family celebration.

Remember that the greatest way we can honor a loved one who has passed away is to live every day in thanksgiving and joy. Reflect on the happy memories. Talk about the fun times and shared experiences. Thank God for the time you had rather than mourning the time you’ve lost.

4. Donate to an organization, charity, or cause your loved one felt passionate about.

If your mother had a soft spot for children, sponsor a child in her name. If your father loved baseball, donate a scholarship to a local league to help a child in need play ball next spring. If your aunt had a soft spot for animals, give to a nearby no-kill shelter.

Remember, too, that donations of time are infinitely valuable and honoring to a departed loved one. One friend helps serve Christmas dinner at a homeless shelter in memory of her father. Another fills a two-hour slot as a Salvation Army bell-ringer.

See also: 10 Reasons you should Volunteer to Ring a Bell this Christmas

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Holidays can be hard, but with God’s grace and a little intentionality, we can celebrate in ways that honor and include our loved ones, even when they are no longer with us. If you’re facing the holidays without someone special, ask the Lord to wrap you in his love and help you feel the joy of his presence. Take comfort in the promise of Psalm 30:5, “Weeping may remain for a night, but rejoicing comes in the morning.”

by Lori Hatcher, originally appeared in the War Cry.

Looking up from my early morning chores I was surprised to see a man plodding toward me through the small pasture between our home and a busy highway. I could see a pickup on the shoulder of the road. Something was obviously wrong—it looked like a strong wind could tip it over. The man drew close and advised he had just blown the right rear tire and wanted to know if I had a heavy duty jack. His jack would not lift the pickup with its heavy load of hogs.

I was already running behind with my chores and normal morning routine prior to going to my office job, but I located my jack and drove him down to his pickup. My jack would lift the pickup, but we found another problem. After the man laboriously reached his spare by climbing the sideboard and squeezing down between tightly packed hogs, he saw that the spare was flat.

Internal Struggle

At this point I honestly was wishing I had given him some lame excuse and let him solve his own problems. I had several pressing issues at the office that day and I hadn’t even showered yet. However, time was important for this man too, as it was starting to get hot and the tightly packed hogs would likely die if he didn’t get them moved quickly.

The man’s clothes and the shape of his truck gave the impression that he was well acquainted with hard times. However, he did not panic and asked if I could get him to a phone. Before we headed back to my house I noted the make and age of his vehicle. I remembered I had a set of mounted snow tires from an older car I had sold. Since both vehicles were a product of the same company, I thought the wheel holes might match.

We took a wheel down to his pickup and fortunately the holes matched up and we were able to change the tire–mounted wheel and get him on his way. Still thinking of my own agenda for the day, I didn’t get his name, address or even his license number. He had assured me he would return the tire and wheel, but at the moment I was just happy to get him going again.

Giving Thanks

Later in the day, when demands on my time had slowed and I thought of the morning’s activity, I realized I was remiss in not getting at least the man’s name and had no way of checking to see if he made it to his destination safely. I was feeling rather good about having helped the man and not letting my momentary personal struggles of time get in the way.

The Bible tells us: “Each one should use whatever gift he has received to serve others, faithfully administering God’s grace in its various forms” (1 Peter 4:10 NIV). I am just thankful for God’s grace that prodded me to lay aside my personal focus to help the man.

James teaches that if we see someone in need but only wish him or her well without doing something about the physical need, the value of our words is diminished (2:16).

Two days later, when I backed out of my garage, I found my wheel positioned between the two garage doors. With it was a note thanking me and advising that the stranger had made it to his destination without further problems. He had also clipped some money to the note for the wear on the tire.

This experience is a reminder for me that the need to reach out to help others in times of trouble rarely comes at our convenience. If we are praying to be used of God and asking for His direction, we will more likely respond to the needs around us, regardless of the agenda we have set for ourselves.

Walter N. Maris in a writer from Savannah, Missouri. Lisk Feng is an illustrator from China, now based in New York, New York.

This story originally appeared in The Salvation Army publication War Cry. You may also like: Overcomer